Ruminations Friday. Well, Almost.

I'm off early tomorrow for Mardi Gras and won't be back online till next Thursday, so I'm having "Ruminations Friday" a little early this week. The best and worst from my bookmarks....

* Forget the tax rebate checks the feds are promising us. The British government has the right idea. Reward people for losing weight by paying them. "Money for Weight" was one of a number of ideas put forth, along with such boring and sensible things as locating fast-food restaurants farther from schools. But the school idea is aimed at kids; the money is aimed at overweight adults. Let's see, at $1 per pound, I could make....

* Ever wonder how cows feel about low carb? Just ask Runaway Steer, a big beefy guy who escaped from a slaughterhouse in Cincinnati. I was having fun thinking about this, imagining Big Beef on the rampage through urban Ohio, when I read that this is a repeat incident--a steer named Little Red escaped in the Cincinnati area last year. Now I'm wondering what it is with Ohio and cows...

* As if hauling my own big butt around isn't enough, now I can "exercise" throughout the day by wearing myPower Diet Shoes. These are athletic shoes with weights in the insole, so you lug around a few extra pounds as you shop for groceries or, as the photo on the website shows, as you jog through the sand on an isolated beach. And don't we all do that?

* Leave it to the spoilsport Aussies to tell us that, after all, chocolate isn't good for us. Now that they're slipping dark chocolate into everything under the sun, this study from the University of Western Australia says that consuming cocoa can lead to bone weakening in women due to the oxalate in the cocoa that leeches calcium. I say, just put extra calcium in the chocolate and bring it on.

* Finally, someone has come up with a way to punish Chinese industry for selling us all those unsafe pet foods and kids' toys. According to this Reuters story, Dunkin Donuts is moving into the Chinese market by opening its first store in Shanghai. Yep, that'll show 'em--send them our trans fats and sugar.

* Some aroma researchers have isolated a handful of smells that they claim stimulate male sexual response. I tried to imagine how these results were tested and verified, but decided it was really better that I didn't know. So, ladies, light your lavender candles and bake some pumpkin pie. Here are the aromas and the percentage of "increased penile blood flow" (and how many times do you get to type that into a food blog?):

Odor or odor combination....Average increase in penile blood flow

Lavender and pumpkin pie...40% average increase
Doughnut & black licorice...31.5%
Pumpkin pie & doughnut....20%
Orange...19.5%
Lavender & doughnut...18%
Black licorice and cola...13%
Black licorice...13%
Doughnut & cola...12.5%
Lily of the valley...11%
Buttered popcorn...9%

Not-So-Fine, Caroline

At first, I thought this was going to be an entertaining read, and for a while it was. The foodie site, "Divine Caroline," set out to expose the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Diets."

And what are they? In reverse order, "best" to "worst," a la David Letterman, here they are:

10) Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet. Now, if you work for Dr. Siegal, don't send me tons of "informative" e-mails. I'm not saying it's the 10th worst diet ever. Talk to the folks at the above-referenced website. I've been down this road with you before. I haven't tried your cookies, I don't intend to try your cookies. Anyway, you eat these cookies, which the Divine folks call "bricks of fiber-coated oats sweetened with prunes," and you lose weight. Uh-huh.

9) The Subway Diet. Eat two meals a day at Subway and, like the guy Jared on the TV commercials, you can lose weight. My only real problem with this one is the cost. Who can afford to eat twice a day at Subway? Not me.

8) The Cereal Diet. Eat two bowls of (fill in your favorite cereal here) plus a healthy dinner and you can lose six pounds in two weeks. Let's not even talk about the sugar in Special K. Let's just say that I, the sugar junkie who must be kept away from her fix, cannot be around cold cereal because I will eat it right out of the box.

7) The Cabbage Soup Diet. Never tried this one, but I gather you eat lots of cabbage. I like cabbage. I don't think I like cabbage twice a day for a long period of time, however.

6) Slim Fast. The Senior Adult in my household is drinking Slim Fast for lunch. Of course she has a snack at 10 a.m. and another at 3 p.m. And have you seen the amount of sugar in those babies? Yes, there's a low-carb version. They taste pretty crappy.

5)The Blood Type Diet. Yep, I always thought this one was pretty flaky, too. O's eat meat, A's eat veggies, B's eat dairy, and A/B's eat everything. Of course I have no idea what my blood type is, so I'm saying A/B.

4) The Russian Air Force Diet, supposedly developed in Russia as a quick trim-down for their recruits. Coffee for breakfast, two eggs and a tomato for lunch, a thin slice of meat and a salad for dinner. What's that, about 500 calories a day? Wonder if Kimmer was ever in the Russian Air Force?

3) The Hot Dog Diet. You eat hot dogs a couple of times a day, plus a cup of ice cream and a tablespoon of peanut butter. Ummmm...sounds nutritious...

2) Apple Cider Vinegar Diet. The one J-Lo (or somebody like that) swears by. Guzzle a few teaspoons of vinegar before your meal to cut your appetite. Or eat away your esophagus, which would also be an effective diet aid.

1) The Writing Diet. Hoo-boy here's a touchy-feely one. Since we do so much emotional eating, we should purge those emotions on the page. Like in a blog. Which I can write while eating hot dogs, ice cream and peanut butter.

And (drumroll) the "number-one most ridiculous diet"....yep, you knew this was coming. According to the Divine Caroline folks, it's the Atkins Diet, of which I feel protective even though I'm not on it right now. The author apparently tried it for a whole week and...surprise!...she felt like crap. Never heard of the carb flu, I guess. She sums it up thus: "The Atkins diet isn't a healthful lifestyle change, it's a limiting diet that requires you to eat a lot of not so healthy foods." What an absolute, mind-numbling idiot.

I'll just go off and have my Atkins-friendly chicken and vegetables now.

Getting Fruity

So, here I am, first of the year, what's a chronic dieter to do after being on a three-month out-of-control snackfest? The good, self-controlled dieter would say, here's my copy of Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution, hunker down with a few hunks o'meat and some veggies, and just slog through the low-carb flu for a few days.

The unmotivated, lazy, uncontrolled dieter would say, hmmmm, what's easiest and requires the least amount of time and brain cells from me?

Which brings us to NutriSystem. Now, in my own defense, I honestly had already signed up for their South-Beach-in-a-Box program well before I began seeing the cheesy, sleazy New Year's ads aimed at all us poor disheveled behemoths looking for a new start in January. And when my sarcastically inclined senior maternal live-in adult (which only proves I come by my sarcasm honestly) asks me when I'm making my own cheesy N/S television ad, I respond that when they pay me I'll prance on a stage with before and after photos. Because if you read in the very, very, very tiny print beside those before and after photos, next to where it states "results not typical," it also says that the people have been paid.

Which they should, because the program is ridiculously expensive, and I probably can't stay on it more than a month without entering the poor house, where I would be fed beans and rice every meal. And while that doesn't sound so bad, it would play hell with my carbs.

So why the title "getting fruity?" Because as part of the Nutri/System South-Beach-in-a-Box program, I'm eating a bit of fruit (keeping it low carb, of course) for the first time in a while. Pretty tasty stuff, fruit.

Eat Like an Egyptian

I've been fascinated this week by the identification of an ancient Egyptian mummy as being that of Queen Hatshepsut, a powerful pharaoh -- the most powerful Egyptian queen -- who ruled in the 15th century B.C. She apparently was known for dressing like a man and wearing a false beard. Did they call it cross-dressing back then? I want my mummy!

Anyway, this mummy that was discovered back in 1903 was removed from its site in the Valley of the Kings two months ago and taken to Cairo for examination, at which time it was discovered that the mummy was missing a tooth--leaving a space that matches a tooth known to be from the queen.

So, besides being dentally challenged, what do we know about Hatshepsut? Interestingly, she was obese and had diabetes and, possibly, liver cancer. Whoa here. Didn't all Egyptian queens look like Liz Taylor in her Cleopatra gear?

Well, probably not. A little research into the dietary habits of ancient Egyptians shows that only the rich were able to have meat, and had it at every meal. Dairy products were also available for the wealthy. But the ancient Egyptians were major fans of bread--plain bread and sourdough bread. They had quite the sweet tooth, and used copious amounts of honey and dates to sweeten their breads and make cakes, particularly the wealthy. Beer was the beverage of choice; the wealthy could generally afford wine as well.

So Old Hatsy was a bread-eating, beer-guzzling rich lady with a weight issue. Or was it revered back this, a great weight a sign of wealth and power? Ironic considering too often today it's found among the least wealthy and least powerful.

To quote King Solomon, I guess there's really nothing new under the sun.

The Wacky World of Weight Loss

A recent issue of Newsweek said it all: "The Dieter's Dilemma: People Will Try Almost Anything to Lose Weight. Really."

It was a lighthearted look at some of the currently fashionable fad diets--and, believe it or not, Atkins and Low-Carb didn't make the list, which means some small inroad into acceptability, I guess.

So, since I'm lollygagging around the last few months, are there any of these to capture my interest and get me back on track?

The Astrology Diet. In which your diet and exercise type are dictated by your astrological sign. I'm a Taurus, so, according to diet developers Ellen Barrett (a trainer) and Barrie Dolnick (an astrologer), I find great pleasure in eating so a restrictive diet will not work with me, and I thrive on "gentle but thorough" workouts, preferably at home. Yeah, well, okay.

The Blood Type Diet. Peter D'Amato's theory that what you eat should be dictated by your blood type. The popularity, Newsweek surmises, is that it makes people think it's more personalized. Which is all fine and good, I say, until you realize that 72% of Americans and Europeans have either O+ or A+ blood types, so how personalized can it be, really?

Single Food Diets are making a comeback. Grapefruit diet, cabbage soup diet, pineapple diet, popcorn diet. Been there, done that.

Detox Diets, popular these days, theorize that cleansing out your system is good for you and good for your weight. But, really. "Cleansing with Colonics," called for by diets like 21 Pounds in 21 Days, means, quite simply, enemas. Let 'em stick that diet where the sun don't shine.

The Maple-Syrup Diet, made famous by Beyonce, who used it to trim down for "Dreamgirls." Dieters drink 2 Tbsp maple syrup, 2 Tbsp lemon juice, a pinch of cayenne pepper and a cup of water, several times a day. Uh, no.

Remember? I'm Taurus. I find great pleasure in eating.

Out of the Inbox

Just cleaning out the files...

• Have you read about the new "Jelly Belly" diet pill? It's a new Italian creation, but unfortunately doesn't offer the flavor offerings of real Jelly Bellies. Instead, the idea is that you swallow this pill and it inflates to a gelatinous mass the size of a tennis ball in your stomach. Makes you feel full and you don't want to eat as much. It eventually dissolves and goes out in the usual manner as if you had simply eaten 42 cups of Jell-O. I think if the scientists hadn't used the words "gelatinous mass" I could get into it a little more. Still, cheaper than gastric bypass.

• Just in case you didn't think most foods' health claims were a bogus bunch of advertising fluff, here comes Frito Lay, who decided that since they have switched to using more non-saturated fat in their chips, they can now make health claims for Ruffles. It seems to be under serious consideration by the FDA, which I think once this passes can officially change its name to the Food Disaster Administration.

• A recent survey by the NDP market research group found that 70 percent of adult Americans want to cut down or avoid sugar completely, with 40 percent saying they check food labels for sugar content. As a result, food manufacturers are responding to the resultant demand for more reduced-sugar or sugar-free products. Great! Well, except that the survey analysts stated that Americans had gotten on an anti-sugar kick in the 1960s, too, and we apparently got over it.

• The buzz over probiotics continues. This latest, from a food industry newsletter, says the science is "building" behind the use of the probiotic ingredient inulin. Inulin is a root fiber that promotes probiotic bacteria in the gut, has a sweet taste, and is classified as a soluble fiber. The latest study, published in Nutrition Research, shows that probiotics such as inulin, consumed regularly, help protect against colon cancer.

Skinny Bitch

No, I'm not going on a rant about one of my coworkers, or even Paris Hilton.

Skinny Bitch is actually a "diet" book--and I use the term loosely--by Kim Barnouin and Rory Freedman. Once I found it was the diet rage among such celebrity "role models" as Posh Spice, I knew it had to be ludicrousentertaining. Its subtitle: "A no-nonsense tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous." The authors are "former models," which means they wouldn't know a weight problem if it bit them on their skinny butts.

This isn't a new book, I discovered--Jimmy Moore did a rant, and rightly so, about it last year. But I missed it somehow. And just in case you did too, here are some excerpts from Skinny Bitch. Draw what conclusions you will, but WARNING: It's pro-vegan and they call anyone who does Atkins a "total moron." Hey, don't Vegans kill their babies?

• "Brace yourselves, girls. Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil. It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body.… Diet soda is even worse. Aspartame…turns into formaldehyde. Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't f***ing drink it. Perhaps you have a lumpy ass because you are preserving your fat cells with diet soda."

•• Never before has the United States seen such a ridiculous diet trend as the "low-carb" phenomenon. Every restaurant, grocery story, and fast-food chain caters to this utter nonsense...Everyone has jumped on the bandwagon, hoping to capitalize on the trend, whether it is healthy or not. Not."

•• "Another worker at another plant said, 'I personally have seen rotten meat--you can tell by the odor. This rotten meat is mixed with the fresh meat and sold for baby food. We are asked to mix it with the fresh food, and that is the way it is sold. You can see the worms inside the meat."

•• "Mother Nature is no fool. All species, including ours, have just what we need to get by. She did not intend for grownups to suck their mothers' t**ts. We don't need our mothers' milk as adults, just like grown cows don't need their mothers' milk anymore. We are the only species on the planet that drinks the milk of another species. We could be putting gorilla milk on our cereal or having zebra milk and cookies."

•• "Fruits and vegetables are the answer. And unless you are an idiot who wants cancer, obesity and enlarged organs, organic is the way to go. You are what you eat."

•• "If we had a penny for every time some meathead asked us, "So where do you get your protein?" we'd be richer than Oprah. Have you ever, ever, ever in your entire life heard of anyone suffering from a protein deficiency? Did you ever see an elephant, moose or giraffe jonesing for a protein fix? It's a complete myth that we need a massive amount of protein."

And I must know: How do they KNOW the moose down the block isn't jonesing for a protein fix? Or a bite of cheese?

Consumer Retorts

What a surprise!

"Rating the Diets," touts the new issue of Consumer Reports. "Plans that work best. How good are the latest diet books? Plus 8 simple ways to lose weight (& 3 to avoid)."

Oh boy, I know this is gonna be good.

Let's see. Let's rank the 8 most-tested diet plans, from best to worst:

1. The Volumetrics Eating Plan, by Barbara Rolls. (basically, fill up on bulky calorie-bereft foods to find satiety)
2. Weight Watchers (low fat)
3. Jenny Craig (low fat, eat their food)
4. Slim Fast (low fat, eat their meal substitutes)
5. eDiets. (low fat, unless you use their website to follow any other plan of your choice--for a fee--including low carb)
6. The Zone (equal carbs, fats, protein)
7. The Ornish Diet (ultra low fat)
8--ta da--worst, and the only diet to get a negative rating:
Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution

Here is what the brainwashed drones expert panel says about Atkins: "There’s growing evidence that dieters aren’t as hungry on Atkins as on some other diets. But many find it too restrictive, so long-term adherence is below average; long-term weight loss is average. Its nutritional profile is far outside dietary guidelines." In their ratings chart, Atkins received a below-average overall rating, with a "worst" rating for nutritional content.

And what are the 8 strategies that work, and 3 that don't?
1. Eat breakfast. (okay here)
2. Choose (and limit) your fats. (sigh)
3. Eat sparingly. (and strive for anorexia!)
4. Exercise (yeah, yeah, whatever)
5. Consider cutting carbs. (Who. Wha-huh? They just ripped Atkins. Methinks they speak with forked tongue--with some sauce on the side. But I digress...)
6. Fill up on low-density foods. (Yeah,pile on that rice and be hungry again in 30 minutes)
7. Weigh often (I've tried three times a day and it's frustrating)
8. Eat a monotonous diet--too much variety stimulates your appetite. (oh.kay.)

The three "not-so-workable" strategies:
1. Diet drugs. (I'm with them here.)
2. "Angel" and "Devil" foods--seeing any food as evil sugar rat poison or perfect.
3. The glycemic index. Why? Because it tempts you to make foods "evil" and you don't know how to count mixed foods.

ARRRGGGHHH (sound of hair being ripped from scalp). Now, that won't confuse folks, will it? Talk about "Junkfood Science."

Intestinal Fortitude

So despite my rant a couple of days ago about being bored with my diet, I have to agree with Livin' La Vida Low Carb buddy Jimmy Moore's questioning of the intestinal fortitude of anyone who gets bored eating low carb. Sound like a contradiction? Not really.

I have a character flaw, you see. My name is Suzique and I am a tad obsessive. Well, okay, more than a tad. Suzique needs something to obsess over, diet-wise, and once her eating plan becomes too automatic and easy, she need to shake things up a bit.

Which is why she did some low-carb reading and decided to have a crack at the Four Corners Diet, which is the re-named, updated GO-Diet devised in the late '90s by Drs Jack Goldberg and Karen O'Mara.

If there was ever a diet designed to cater to a middle-aged obsessive, uh, woman of stature, shall we say, this is it. I can count and count and count to my heart's content. I can devise myriad Fitday charts and goals to track. I'm as happy as a melamine-fed pig at a quarantined hog farm (can you tell I'm still really PO'd about this latest federal bunglefest?).

Anyway, the four corners of the table on which this food-happy eating plan stands are:

Corner #1) Low carbs. Limit net carbs to 50 or fewer a day. 50 grams of carbs?? That sounds like a TON. Can I lose weight on 50g a day? Can my 50g of carbs come from Blue Bell ice cream? Well, no. Because part of this #1 Corner is a tad more specific and bans the usual suspects (thankfully): sugar, starches, etc. And a max of 15 net carbs per meal.

Corner #2) High monounsaturated fat. Drs. GO tiptoe cautiously around the issue of saturated fat and don't find themselves willing to go all-out and give sat-fat their blessing. So the program asks not that you limit fat intake at all--the more, the merrier--but that 50% of your fat intake come from monounsaturated fats. Between my great fondness for Cardini Original Caesar salad dressing and anything drenched in olive oil, this will not be a problem.

Corner #3) High fiber, to the tune of a minimum 25-30 grams a day. And I may mean "tune," literally, y'know? Do any of you add flax to your foods? I figure I will snack on a couple of yummy Chocoperfection Chocolate Bars a day, at 14g of fiber each and 2 net carbs, and that requirement will be taken care of, at least until I'm hauled away in the paddywagon to the poor house because I've spent my mortgage payments on the not-so-cheap Chocoperfection Bars (although the best prices I've found on them are at Netrition, fyi).

Corner #4) Pharmafoods. Now, this is an interesting corner to me given my interest in functional foods, though there are still lots of questions about the validity of their claims. The Four Corners plan calls for some form ofprobiotics every day, plus five servings of vegetables per day, as many as possible from the "pharmafoods" group, which they say are foods whose nutritional punch is greater than the sum of their micronutrients: dark green vegetables, nuts and seeds, high-fiber low-sugar fruits such as berries and melon, broccoli, onions, peppers, etc.

Now, if you've stuck with me this far, you'll finally get to the thing I really want to talk about, which is yogurt, namely full fat yogurt without sugar added. Apparently there is a consensus among low carb "experts," thatyogurt carbs aren't "real" carbs as long as the yogurt contains live cultures. (This supposedly also is true of buttermilk but since I don't know what to do with buttermilk other than make cornbread, I don't care.)

Note I said "CONTAINS" live cultures and not "MADE WITH" live cultures. If your yogurt says it's made with live cultures, chances are they aren't live any more. So look for the word "contains." Said cultures feed on the lactose in yogurt, rendering it a non-carb. What's left, the whey, can be strained off the top.

Or you can enjoy kefir, which I have trouble finding, or something like Fage Total, which is a strained Greek yogurt that has 7g of carbs per 8-ounce serving. I added a little Torani Sugar-Free Irish Cream syrup to it this morning and it was quite the treat.

So, low-carbers, what's your take on yogurt?

The Plastic Diet

Now here's a story that'll make you want to give up bread. Seems imported grain products (wheat gluten, corn gluten, corn meal, soy protein, rice bran and rice protein) have been found to be contaminated with the same melamine thought to be poisoning our pets. Melamine--as in cool colored plastic plates from the '50s or these snazzy dishes from Pier 1. Said grain is being used in everything from bread to baby formula, according to the Reuters story.

One of my favorite phrases that stuck after the Katrina debacle here in New Orleans was Gen. Russell Honore's contention that reporters who kept asking the same questions were "stuck on stupid."

So here's another stuck on stupid moment. According to the Reuters report, the tainted pet food wasn't all destroyed--it was sold to pig farms as food for porkers in North and South Carolina, California, New York, Utah and possibly Ohio. That pork chop you're eating might not just be on a plastic plate--it could be a plastic plate. The FDA recommended we not eat melamine-tainted pork, but said the "health risk is minimal."

Easy for them to say. Bet you won't see any pork on the FDA officials' plates, at least not from the affected farms. And why, if the food is poisonous to cats and dogs, would it occur to anyone to put it into the human food chain?

And not only that, but the FDA appears to be protecting the names of companies who have imported the tainted grain products.

Stuck on stupid.

Driving Under the Influence

Now here's a story for you. The most recent issue of the International Journal of Obesity reports the case of a 59-year-old teetotaler who set off the breathalyzer alarm bells when he attempted to drive a car fitted with an alcohol-detection device. The problem?

He was on a ketogenic diet, and if you've ever done Atkins or other very low-carb diet, you know all about ketosis and keto-breath. Apparently, when your body goes into ketone mode, you release a form of acetone when you exhale. In some people, it can be significant enough to register a "false-positive" on a breath test.

"This 'side effect' of ketogenic diets needs further discussion by authorities when people engaged in safety-sensitive work (e.g. bus drivers and airline pilots) submit to random breath-alcohol tests," the authors conclude.

Pretty funny, eh?

Diabetes-Low Fat Diets-Heart Disease: Vicious Circle?

At first glance, this new study from Sweden seems pretty ho-hum. Abnormally high blood sugar has a direct correlation to heart disease. That diabetics are prone to heart disease is nothing new, is it?

So, the answer remains: what to do about the precipitous rise in cases of Type 2 Diabetes that are being diagnosed?

Researcher Par Stattin has the answer: eat less dietary fat.

Hoo boy, here we go again.

Okay, let's say I want to control my blood sugar so I don't get diabetes so I don't, in turn, develop heart disease. I follow the advice of my doctor and the medical experts and cut down on my dietary fat. Gee, I sure am hungry. I can't eat more fat; more protein means more fat; so I guess I'll ratchet up my carb intake. Sugar has no fat; potatoes have no fat; rice has no fat. I'll make up those lost calories with carbs.

Oh, wait! My blood sugar is rising anyway! I'm headed toward diabetes! I'm getting heart disease! What am I doing wrong?

It's a vicious circle, and a wheel of death that just keeps turning. Is it any wonder people can't really tell good fats from fat-headedness?

The Stanford Study: Weighing In

The Stanford Study: Weighing In

by Suzique

Okay, I was trying to ignore all the hoo-ha about the Stanford study--you know the one, where the Atkins Diet was proclaimed the winner in a weight-loss study. The other contenders, including the Zone Diet, the ultra-low-fat Ornish Diet and the LEARN diet, fell by the wayside.

The study has created a frenzy on the low-carb blog pages, understandably--the study was reported in none other than the stodgy Journal of the American Medical Association, after all. At the same time, the low-fat proponents are frenziedly explaining why it's no reason to jump on the low-carb bandwagon.

I say: Yadda yadda yadda.

The biggest thing that struck me about the study results was: whoop-ti-do. Atkins dieters lost an average of 10.4 pounds over the course of a year, while Ornish dieters lost 4.8. Doing worst were the Zone people, at 3.5 pounds. Okay, Atkins dieters doubled Ornish.

But really. We're talking miniscule amounts of weight here. Any diet that produced a 10-pound weight loss in a year, for anyone with a significant amount of weight to lose, would be deemed a horrific failure--although I guess it beats 4.8 pounds.

I think it's great that Atkins is getting a push here. But I have to agree with Junkfood Science blogger Sandy Szwarc: "While a 4 3/4-pounds difference after a year of dieting is being heralded as significant, the undeniable fact is that all of the weight losses were modest at best and clinically insignificant. And all were considerably less than the diets claim and certainly what most consumers believe will be their pay off after a year of effort."

Yeah. That.

Insanity Report 3.08

A periodic report on the weird, the bad and the downright ugly in our food industry.

Today: The "Healthy" Soft Drink!

In the food industry's determined march toward more "functional foods," and in light of the role of villain the soft drink industry is playing in debates over the "obesity crisis," soft drink makers are fighting back after facing the first decline in sales in their long history. Said decline has apparently been caused by the demonization of sugar, fear of aspartame and an increased consumer interest in health.

Now, I have to 'fess up here. I know they're bad for me, but I drink diet soft drinks. Shame on me, but there you go. And I'll probably keep drinking them.

That being said, however, the latest movements by both Coke and Pepsi to release "healthy" soft drinks strikes me as pretty absurd. "Healthy" by whose standards? These will not be marketed as soft drinks--they're the villain, remember?--but as "sparkling beverages," according to this story in The New York Times.

Coke is planning to roll out Diet Coke Plus this spring. Its gimmick is that it's fortified with niacin, vitamins B6 and B12, magnesium and zinc.

In the fall, Pepsi will roll out Tava, which will be "lightly carbonated," caffeine free and offered in "exotic flavors" containing vitamins B3, B6 and E, plus chromium. The flavors are Brazilian Samba, Caribbean Calypso, Mediterranean Muse and Malaysian Satori. Whatever the heck those are.

Sucralose (Splenda) or a combination of sucralose and Ace-K seem to be the artificial sweeteners of choice but I'm still checking on that.

So, what'cha think? If you're going to drink diet soda anyway, will you try the new "enhanced sparkling beverages?"

Role Models

Is it any wonder young girls have distorted body images? Who are their role models? According to the latest issue of Newsweek, it's the "prostitots," Britney and Lindsay and Paris. Bleccchh! (Caution: showing age now!)

And then add Beyonce to that trio. Wait, you say. Beyonce is a nice clean-cut girl.

She's also having to back-pedal as she gets raked over the coals by nutritionists for the diet she followed to lose 20 pounds in 10 days for the filming of "Dream Girls."

It's the infamous Maple Syrup Diet--maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Drink it before meals, you ask? Nope, that's it. That's the meals. Three times a day. Sugar and diuretics.

Understandably, the nutrition community has had a cow over this dearth of nutrition, leading Beyonce to issue statements that she would never recommend it to anyone else and that she gained the weight back as soon as she began eating again. Meanwhile, people are stampeding to the stores for syrup worldwide.

And people whine about low-carb diets? Sheesh.

Me, on a Diet

Haven't updated my own sojourn lately. It's because I'm waiting impatiently for that next milestone. I'm 2.6 pounds away from the 60-pound-loss mark since beginning this journey for the long haul last July.

I switched from Kimkins, where I was floundering at 900 calories a day, back to Atkins, where I was still floundering but at least wasn't feeling like a concentration camp diner, to a Weight Watchers version of South Beach--still carb-controlled but adding some whole grains and fruit back in. The last change seems to have me jump-started again, so I'll stick with it until when and if I hit a plateau, then will swing back to Atkins.

I seem to remember from the old version of the Atkins Diet Revolution -- it has since been taken out of the "New" Diet Revolution -- that it could be beneficial to switch weight-loss tactics for a short period to jump-start your weight loss.

I'll update again when I reach that "magic 60." Never mind I have another magic

The 10-Minute Diet

Well, of course, I'm joking. Or am I?

Interesting story in Time Magazine about how there's a huge surge in Internet searches for diets and diet-related topics during the first week of January, when so many of us pledge we're going to turn over a new leaf in the new year, and the leaf won't be slathered with sugary dressing.

But we are a country in need of a quick fix, and the list of top searches for the first week of 2007 tells a lot about why, despite our best intentions, we as a country are not making much headway in the war on weight. On the other hand, if you look at what the top two searches are, it's a big plus on the low-carb side. The "authorities" might not be buying into low-carb, but the Internet searchers are.

The Top 10 searches:
1) South Beach Diet
2) Atkins Diet
3) Diet Pills
4) Diet
5) Diet Plans
6) Cabbage Soup Diet
7) Free Diet Plans
8) You on a Diet
9) Special K Diet
10) Lemonade Diet

Of course, the article also points out that, by the second week of January, the diet-related searches have dropped off considerably, and that six of the top 10 food-related sites visited in January were pizza-delivery sites.

Only 31 Years?

Now, why don't I find this surprising? In an article from the London Daily Mail comes the news that the average woman spends 31 years of her life on a diet.

According to a new report, British women spend an average of six months a year counting calories, and more than 20% are on a "permanent diet" throughout their lifetimes. Men spend 28 years dieting.

When you set that up against the fact of spiraling obesity, don't you just figure something is not working? Like high carb, low fat austerity? The article goes on to say that half of the dieters who quit their programs say it is because they "don't have enough willpower." A quarter say it's because their diet leaves them depressed.

I don't know how much of my life has been spent on a diet but it has been significant, and yet I still have a real weight problem. Which is why I'm trying to change my way of eating and thinking about food instead of "dieting" now.

The first diet I remember going on was in 8th or 9th grade, when my mom would ply me with hamburger patties and cottage cheese. Now that I think of it, it was a pretty nice controlled-carb diet. I did the Stillman Diet, the Rotation Diet, some horrendous liquid protein stuff. I did grapefruit diets, cabbage diets, and several rounds of Atkins that I didn't stick with. I did Nutrisystem--twice, and Weight Watchers at least four times. I've tried Sugar Busters and South Beach, and Carb Addicts. Hmmmmm. Did I mention the Scarsdale Diet, and the Wine Diet (a personal favorite)?

If you feel like a trip down memory lane for your own dieting adventures, check out The Fad Diet website.

Monkey Business

Now, this is too funny. According to this BBC piece, a Brit reality special was planned based on what would happen if you took nine ordinary folks and put them in a zoo--specifically, a tent in a zoo in Devon, England. The participants agreed to eat the same diet as the inhabitants of the Ape House next door for 12 days.

One volunteer, for example, weighed 266 pounds (19 stone). His normal breakfast was four slices of toast, followed by a mid-morning snack of a bacon, egg and sausage sandwich; fish and chips for lunch; Chinese takeout for dinner. By the end of his experience emulating the Great Apes for 12 days, he had lost 12-1/2 pounds, and reduced his cholesterol by 20 percent. All participants experienced greater energy and better overall feeling of health.

So, what did the Apes and the apers eat? That would be 2,300 calories of raw food: broccoli, carrots, radishes, cabbage, tomatoes, watercress, strawberries, apricots, bananas, mangoes, melons, figs, plums, satsumas, and hazelnuts.

Soda-Licious

Once upon a time, I wouldn't drink diet sodas but drank so many regular sodas that I proclaimed myself the "carbonation queen." Then I figured out that if I drank diet soda I could have more calories for food, so I began downing enough Diet Coke to pickle a frog.

One of my big things now is to limit my diet soda consumption to one a day.

Apparently, I wasn't alone in my soda habit. According to this Chicago Tribune article, sodas are the new favorite breakfast beverage. I can believe it. I remember many a restaurant breakfast accompanied by a Diet Coke.