Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Hi, My Name is Binji and I'm....

Let me introduce you to Binji, my evil twin. Binji likes to binge. When faced with an opportunity to overconsume, she becomes out of control. Her mind stops working; all reason is lost. The little voice in her head that is me, is ignored (if she hears it at all). She is the possessor; I am the possessed.

I've had Binji on a short leash for the past five months, and boy is she unhappy. When she escaped her leash on Christmas Eve, I let her roam free for a few days, until New Year's Day, when I reined her in again.

She didn't like that.

And yesterday, she saw her chance to escape again, when a friend showed up to watch the New Orleans Saints-Chicago Bears debacle of an NFC Championship game, bearing (no pun intended) chips, popcorn, and Blue Bell ice cream in Binji's favorite flavor, Homemade Vanilla.

Binji broke free about halfway through the first quarter of the game and rampaged till bedtime, when I, ironically, finished reading Courtney Rubin's "Weight Loss Diaries," a raw and honest account of her own battle over binge eating. I was about 20 pages from the end before I accepted that no way was she coming up with a solution, a breakthrough, a-ha moment, before the end of the book. She sabotaged herself through 200 pages despite running marathons, battling compulsive eating and poor self-image over a two-year period. Her final analysis? Relax and do the best you can; you have to live your life, and accept that battling food is always going to be a part of your world.

At what point is it relaxing, and at what point is it surrender and defeat? I'm not ready to concede it yet.

She's back in her pen now, and it's another day.

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