You never know how much you'll miss getting junk mail catalogs till you don't get them any more. After Hurricane Katrina, our mail was disrupted. I didn't get any mail between Aug. 27, 2005, and roughly February of 2006, and even then it was only first-class mail. In June 2006, the mail opened back up to magazines and catalogs but, by then, I had been removed from all the junk mail lists. So much for the "rain, sleet or snow" of the U.S. Postal Service.
But I digress.
I'm slowly starting to get a few bits of junk mail again, so it was with some relish that I sat down last night to peruse a new catalog that came in yesterday's mail. "Time for Me," the catalog said. "Dedicated to the Art of Well-Being."
On the cover was a boobalicious blonde sitting in front of a mirror. She was obviously well-groomed and high-maintenance. I had no idea what the catalog was selling. But by the time I reached the end of its 48 pages, boy, was I fuming.
I know now why my dreams haven't come true. I know why I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, healthy enough, and have strong nails. My problem is that I simply don't have enough money.
Because, according to this catalog, every woman can be "perfect" if she can only buy the products.
A quick rundown.
Page 1: A special shampoo ($20 a bottle, plus another $20 for conditioner) to help me "shampoo in stronger, bouncier hair." It will increase hair growth up to 123% in under a month! For gosh sakes, keep it away from my legs.
Page 2: For $19, a unique wrinkle eraser pen "will target wrinkles and erase them in minutes." For $39, "Luster Eyes will permanently banish dark undereye circles." For $34, the purest form of Hoodia will "kill hunger and cravings." For $39, a "Detox Wrap Home Kit" will help me "drop one dress size in just one hour." For $69, an injection-free facial relaxer will "relax my wrinkles."
Page 3: For $99, I can buy "tummy-tuck" jeans provide an exclusive slimming design to make me look like I just had a tummy tuck.
And on it goes, including:
$89 for an eye lift in a bottle
$50 for advanced lip-pumping power to puff my smackers up like Angelina Jolie
$349 for a Light Therapy machine that will reduce all my crow's feet in 4 days
$79 will get me a faux-wrap top with a secret liner inside to hold in my bulges
$39 will get my Thyroid T-3 capsules to reduce body fat and maintain muscle mass
$29 will get me some Bio-Ear to reduce the ringing in my ears.
$59 will provide Herbal Go to supercharge my weight loss
$29 will get me an arm wrap kit to firm my upper arms in one month.
$89 will provide me with enough Baebbe to shrink my tummy fat without liposuction
$17 Cinnergen will stop my blood sugar swings
$29 will cure my fibromyalgia
$27 Nite-Lite will burn fat while I sleep
$79 NuGen will give me natural hair restoration, but if that doesn't work
$99 will provide me a beautiful, natural looking wig
$199 will help my scalp become healthier
$14 will thicken my nails with just one coat of Barielle Nail Thickener
$19 will get me a facial massager to jiggle away my double chin
$18 will give me a special formula to change the color of my complexion
$28 will shrink my pores with Dermelect Pore Revolution
$24 will provide me with a "Self-Esteem Neck Firming Face Lift"
$19 will giveme some "extra oomph" up top without pesky breast enhancement surgery
$79 will intensify my erotic pleasure with the "Synergy Pleasure System." Hmmm...
And on it goes. Why am I wasting all this time trying to eat a healthy diet and lose weight? Obviously, because I don't have the money for the appropriate quick-fixes for every need.
Oh, wait! they have an online Outlet Store. Maybe the perfect product is waiting there for me.
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