Saturday, February 10, 2007

Book of Dreams for the Sucker Born Every Minute

You never know how much you'll miss getting junk mail catalogs till you don't get them any more. After Hurricane Katrina, our mail was disrupted. I didn't get any mail between Aug. 27, 2005, and roughly February of 2006, and even then it was only first-class mail. In June 2006, the mail opened back up to magazines and catalogs but, by then, I had been removed from all the junk mail lists. So much for the "rain, sleet or snow" of the U.S. Postal Service.

But I digress.

I'm slowly starting to get a few bits of junk mail again, so it was with some relish that I sat down last night to peruse a new catalog that came in yesterday's mail. "Time for Me," the catalog said. "Dedicated to the Art of Well-Being."

On the cover was a boobalicious blonde sitting in front of a mirror. She was obviously well-groomed and high-maintenance. I had no idea what the catalog was selling. But by the time I reached the end of its 48 pages, boy, was I fuming.

I know now why my dreams haven't come true. I know why I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, healthy enough, and have strong nails. My problem is that I simply don't have enough money.

Because, according to this catalog, every woman can be "perfect" if she can only buy the products.

A quick rundown.

Page 1: A special shampoo ($20 a bottle, plus another $20 for conditioner) to help me "shampoo in stronger, bouncier hair." It will increase hair growth up to 123% in under a month! For gosh sakes, keep it away from my legs.

Page 2: For $19, a unique wrinkle eraser pen "will target wrinkles and erase them in minutes." For $39, "Luster Eyes will permanently banish dark undereye circles." For $34, the purest form of Hoodia will "kill hunger and cravings." For $39, a "Detox Wrap Home Kit" will help me "drop one dress size in just one hour." For $69, an injection-free facial relaxer will "relax my wrinkles."

Page 3: For $99, I can buy "tummy-tuck" jeans provide an exclusive slimming design to make me look like I just had a tummy tuck.

And on it goes, including:
$89 for an eye lift in a bottle
$50 for advanced lip-pumping power to puff my smackers up like Angelina Jolie
$349 for a Light Therapy machine that will reduce all my crow's feet in 4 days
$79 will get me a faux-wrap top with a secret liner inside to hold in my bulges
$39 will get my Thyroid T-3 capsules to reduce body fat and maintain muscle mass
$29 will get me some Bio-Ear to reduce the ringing in my ears.
$59 will provide Herbal Go to supercharge my weight loss
$29 will get me an arm wrap kit to firm my upper arms in one month.
$89 will provide me with enough Baebbe to shrink my tummy fat without liposuction
$17 Cinnergen will stop my blood sugar swings
$29 will cure my fibromyalgia
$27 Nite-Lite will burn fat while I sleep
$79 NuGen will give me natural hair restoration, but if that doesn't work
$99 will provide me a beautiful, natural looking wig
$199 will help my scalp become healthier
$14 will thicken my nails with just one coat of Barielle Nail Thickener
$19 will get me a facial massager to jiggle away my double chin
$18 will give me a special formula to change the color of my complexion
$28 will shrink my pores with Dermelect Pore Revolution
$24 will provide me with a "Self-Esteem Neck Firming Face Lift"
$19 will giveme some "extra oomph" up top without pesky breast enhancement surgery
$79 will intensify my erotic pleasure with the "Synergy Pleasure System." Hmmm...

And on it goes. Why am I wasting all this time trying to eat a healthy diet and lose weight? Obviously, because I don't have the money for the appropriate quick-fixes for every need.

Oh, wait! they have an online Outlet Store. Maybe the perfect product is waiting there for me.

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