The More Things Change...

The more they stay the same.

Or at least that's how I felt this morning. I've been cleaning up my mess of an office, which after many years has become a rat's nest that even Hurricane Katrina couldn't have dislodged.

Far underneath my desk, I found a journal. I've always liked the idea of journaling, but I usually can't sustain it--after a few weeks or months, I abandon it and it ends up being thrown out or, well, lodged underneath my desk for four or five years.

But it was interesting this morning as I read my entries from late August to early October, 2002. I was doing Atkins, and my weight was exactly then as it is today. I was being derailed by social obligations, stress, impending hurricanes (in this case, Isidore and Lili), and lack of commitment. Mostly, I think, lack of commitment. That was October 4. Skip to the next entry, Oct. 28, and instead of my weight I wrote: "Off Wagon." Also that I was "drained from a combination of carbs, stress and fatigue." I had eaten two McDonald's sausage and biscuits for breakfast! Egads!

After a couple of whiny days, I come across the next entry, dated July 15, 2004--almost two years later. I was dieting again. This time my weight was 60 pounds MORE than it had been in the previous entry and was a massive girth I would manage to maintain for another two years. It was the 60 pounds it has taken me since last July to lose again.

Is it different this time? I keep thinking yes. For one thing, I've stuck with it longer. For another, when I was frantically doing the Kimkins plan and trying to lose 80 pounds before my big business conference in March, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to "perform." Once I realized that goal wasn't going to be attainable at the rate I am able to lose weight, I didn't quit. I just let myself off the hook a little. I'm trying to focus on losing weight as I lose it and not trying to project where I could be in six months if I just lose x number of pounds--that has always been a recipe for disaster for me and my "all or nothing" mentality. My only goal right now is to stay on plan. Period. I lose what I lose however fast I lose it.

What will my journal entry look like in another two years? Hopefully not the same-old -same-old.